walking backwards

I was led to Joshua 4 recently, it is when God told Joshua to build a monument of stones for future generations to remember how the Lord parted the Jordan river and Israel crossed. I started to remember what the Lord has done in my life to draw me to myself and how the love He showed me when I did not yet know Him has been a memorial to remind me who He is and how He looks at me. He loved me as a sinner, how could He not love me now? Also it brought to me memories of dreams I shared with the Lord that at first seemed so close yet now seem so much farther... I remembered the drive to medicine Hat where I was born again and how I saw a cross in the starts that I stared at the whole way there. And in the midst of the emotion of this moment as I was sitting in my car before work today, I wrote these words:

I feel like Im clutching so hard to hold onto a dream that once layed hold of me. An inescapable longing, a breaking desire and a consuming blaze...the first things.
The reminder of the cross in the stars, re-creation from the cross to the stars. these memorial stones are boundaries, not to go back over the Jordan.
A man on fire, I came to burn, and I found myself in you.
How long O Lord until I see the dreams of my heart?

These are the lyrics to a song by Jason Upton:

When you were a child I called you my own
and you were mine
when you were a child you could not stand alone
but you were fine
I want to know that child again
maybe time has changed but love remembers when
you called my name and like the wind I carried you away
seems like only yesterday
when you were a child

Iv been meditating on the early days of being saved and my heart breaks and I hear Him calling me back.

“When Israel was a child, I loved him,
And out of Egypt I called My son.
As they called them,
So they went from them;
They sacrificed to the Baals,
And burned incense to carved images.
“ I taught Ephraim to walk,
Taking them by their arms;
But they did not know that I healed them.
I drew them with gentle cords,
With bands of love,
And I was to them as those who take the yoke from their neck.
I stooped and fed them.
Hosea 11: 1-4


remember