A healing desert

Identity
I’m convinced there is nothing more dangerous in this world than an insecure man. This is doubly true in ministry. An insecure person will always seek to find his approval and acceptance from those around him, and in his own ability. Since his entire self security rests in the outlook of others he will contend with anyone and anything that threatens it, as if fighting for his own life. Such is the state of a world trying desperately to forge their own destiny apart from one already predestined by a loving God. Every sin and every dispute within or without the church stems largely from our having our personal identity rooted in anything but Christ. May it be looks, degrees, intelligence, family, success, etc. As much as we try to escape it much of our identity is completely wrapped up in our own sense of achievement and standards set by our society. There lies in the pressure to live up to a standard imposed upon by a culture, this is the pressure breaking the backs of the world and stealing the joy from the children of God. What a tragedy we carry these same ideals with us into the house of God. Where we again are evaluated by success in ministry and become obsessed with personal growth instead of relationship with God.
The call
Growing over several months of time was a gaping and haunting feeling of failure. It seemed to loom behind my every prayer. Failure in ministering to others, failure in displaying Christ like character, failure in fasting and prayers. All previous methods of advancements seemed only tiresome efforts in the flesh. I had only as it were a mirror in front of me at all times showing me the ugliness of my failure. I tried to encourage myself with prophecies over my life, past victories and much Christian busyness. I felt tired, and worst of all a sense of being used. What started as a whisper of a thought slowly turned into a scream. It was time to seek God, all else had failed. I began planning a trip out of town to be alone.

The wilderness

I began to study and meditate on the epistles in the New Testament. “I no longer live, but it is Christ who lives in Me.”, “for you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God”, “You are a new creation”, “made in true righteousness and holiness”, and many such scriptures. I came out seeking my identity, who am I truly? What defines me? It came to a time in my walk with God where I could go no further with God or with my life in Him. I needed to be changed, I needed some revelation, yesterdays manna was gone, the iniquity that was at my heels had caught up with me; my failures had caught up with me. Something that is not often spoken of in Christianity is that call to loneliness. It is in solitude where we receive identity from God, being stripped of society and our perceived self image tied up in the way other people see us. It is in solitude that the mirror of others and the mirror of society are taken away and we begin to look only to God and begin to see who we truly are in Him. It is there we wrestle with strongholds in the human mind, demonic ideologies, principalities and powers.
It was the Spirit of God that led Jesus our lord into the wilderness. There he was alone facing the devil. What was the devils scheme? He attacked His identity, “If you are the son of God...” It is in the dessert the fathers of our faith were sent by God. Abram was told by God “You are Abraham” and called Abraham a father of many nations. It was in solitude in the wilderness that Jacob crossed the river leaving his family and belongings on the other side to wrestle with God all night. It was there in the place of desolation that Jacob was forced to face his own nature as Jacob, the supplanter and deceiver before God would give him his new name, Israel, prince of men. It was there Jacob had to face his past sin. There David instead of fighting for his calling as king trusted his life in the hand of God and learned to trust that God would lead him into his calling. Moses and the burning bush, Elijah on the mountain, Paul before meeting the apostles.

Leaning
“I cry out to God Most High,
To God who fulfills His purpose for me.” Psalm 57:2
When we hear from God who we are, we no longer have to create our own destiny of fight for our calling. We don’t have to step on others people, plot scheme and fight for our purpose and destiny in God. In solitude God alone shows us who we are, and we find ourselves in Him.
Jacob was leaning his whole life on His own ability, until he met with God. For the rest of his life he would lean, no longer on his flesh but now in the God who is able to perform that which He promises. In the dessert we learn to say good bye to our Jacob. In the wilderness we finally lose all our strengths we thought we had, all our self preservation methods, and fabricated self images, and we are left to lean on the Lord. It is in that leaning that we are closer than ever to Jesus...

“Who is that coming up from the wilderness, leaning on her beloved?”
Song of Solomon 8:5