waiting for a moment.

I just feel like maybe we start to loose passion when we stop expecting God to do something. I mean when we stop waiting on God, ok, what I really mean is when we stop doing things as a means to position ourselves so that God will do something. say for instance you had a service and someone asked what happened. You might say; we worshiped, we prayed, we heard the word. but....how often do we hear about what God did? I'm still waiting for a moment, I'm still waiting for an encounter, I'm still waiting to see what God will do. How sad is it when we just stop expecting God to how up. We just stop crying because we dont think anyone is going to come. Then we just begin to take solice in the amount of christian activity that took place instead of genuine encounter. Something about having an expectancy that changes everything, when we really expect something to happen. ...

A healing desert

Identity
I’m convinced there is nothing more dangerous in this world than an insecure man. This is doubly true in ministry. An insecure person will always seek to find his approval and acceptance from those around him, and in his own ability. Since his entire self security rests in the outlook of others he will contend with anyone and anything that threatens it, as if fighting for his own life. Such is the state of a world trying desperately to forge their own destiny apart from one already predestined by a loving God. Every sin and every dispute within or without the church stems largely from our having our personal identity rooted in anything but Christ. May it be looks, degrees, intelligence, family, success, etc. As much as we try to escape it much of our identity is completely wrapped up in our own sense of achievement and standards set by our society. There lies in the pressure to live up to a standard imposed upon by a culture, this is the pressure breaking the backs of the world and stealing the joy from the children of God. What a tragedy we carry these same ideals with us into the house of God. Where we again are evaluated by success in ministry and become obsessed with personal growth instead of relationship with God.
The call
Growing over several months of time was a gaping and haunting feeling of failure. It seemed to loom behind my every prayer. Failure in ministering to others, failure in displaying Christ like character, failure in fasting and prayers. All previous methods of advancements seemed only tiresome efforts in the flesh. I had only as it were a mirror in front of me at all times showing me the ugliness of my failure. I tried to encourage myself with prophecies over my life, past victories and much Christian busyness. I felt tired, and worst of all a sense of being used. What started as a whisper of a thought slowly turned into a scream. It was time to seek God, all else had failed. I began planning a trip out of town to be alone.

The wilderness

I began to study and meditate on the epistles in the New Testament. “I no longer live, but it is Christ who lives in Me.”, “for you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God”, “You are a new creation”, “made in true righteousness and holiness”, and many such scriptures. I came out seeking my identity, who am I truly? What defines me? It came to a time in my walk with God where I could go no further with God or with my life in Him. I needed to be changed, I needed some revelation, yesterdays manna was gone, the iniquity that was at my heels had caught up with me; my failures had caught up with me. Something that is not often spoken of in Christianity is that call to loneliness. It is in solitude where we receive identity from God, being stripped of society and our perceived self image tied up in the way other people see us. It is in solitude that the mirror of others and the mirror of society are taken away and we begin to look only to God and begin to see who we truly are in Him. It is there we wrestle with strongholds in the human mind, demonic ideologies, principalities and powers.
It was the Spirit of God that led Jesus our lord into the wilderness. There he was alone facing the devil. What was the devils scheme? He attacked His identity, “If you are the son of God...” It is in the dessert the fathers of our faith were sent by God. Abram was told by God “You are Abraham” and called Abraham a father of many nations. It was in solitude in the wilderness that Jacob crossed the river leaving his family and belongings on the other side to wrestle with God all night. It was there in the place of desolation that Jacob was forced to face his own nature as Jacob, the supplanter and deceiver before God would give him his new name, Israel, prince of men. It was there Jacob had to face his past sin. There David instead of fighting for his calling as king trusted his life in the hand of God and learned to trust that God would lead him into his calling. Moses and the burning bush, Elijah on the mountain, Paul before meeting the apostles.

Leaning
“I cry out to God Most High,
To God who fulfills His purpose for me.” Psalm 57:2
When we hear from God who we are, we no longer have to create our own destiny of fight for our calling. We don’t have to step on others people, plot scheme and fight for our purpose and destiny in God. In solitude God alone shows us who we are, and we find ourselves in Him.
Jacob was leaning his whole life on His own ability, until he met with God. For the rest of his life he would lean, no longer on his flesh but now in the God who is able to perform that which He promises. In the dessert we learn to say good bye to our Jacob. In the wilderness we finally lose all our strengths we thought we had, all our self preservation methods, and fabricated self images, and we are left to lean on the Lord. It is in that leaning that we are closer than ever to Jesus...

“Who is that coming up from the wilderness, leaning on her beloved?”
Song of Solomon 8:5

In every generation the the greatest challenge is to be awake to the state of the social society of the day, to see the condition of the culture we are born and steeped in from birth. The great challenge is to see the conditions and atrocities of our generation as it will be seen for generations to come. But as a man once said "All that evil has to do to perpetuate is for good people to do nothing." This is what heroes are made of. Those men and women we hail as heroic of our history were not those who simply lifted up there heads from the crowd to see the issues in there day, they were those who gave legs to their convictions and took a stand.
it is a drunkenness, a delusion, its when we are so caught up in our interests and the issues of our lives we do not see the dark cloud that is over us and our generation. Like the fish doesn't know it is in water so we being born into our generation have the idea of normality with our state. Is there a moral plumb line that stretches through every generation by which we can lay hold and judge our current condition or are we simply prey to ever changing morals handed to us by whatever the current trend in our society deems fitting? There is an everlasting kingdom reigning above the kingdoms of men that finds its evidences in our hearts as we dream of a utopia of peace of unity, this dream is the evidence of things not seen it is the clarion call of our origin and history, it is 'The Kingdom of God'. "On earth as it is in heaven' Jesus instructed His followers to pray.
From the God who wrote destiny in the human heart there is in each of us a word from heaven, a summons to the hills of our world.

This present darkness. As real and true as the Kingdom of God there is established in our world a kingdom of darkness. A host of principles and ideologies propagated to billions beneath its sway to keep the minds of the people dark and their understanding from grasping the truth of God and our destiny in Him.

to be continued in part 2.....

so many people
so many cars
so many voices jumping out at me
and I took it all in
I internalized it all
I let it go down deep
till fish hooks grabbed me from the inside
til the voices of the masses followed me home
and wouldnt let me lie down
and would let me sleep
and wouldnt let me rest
I listened to every one of you i gave you my time
when Im with Him im on fire when Im with you im burnt out
so many long nights
so many long drives
Im longing just to know how long this goes on
Im running through this valley just dying to rest
spinning places
spinning faces
long stares and nightmares
and Im coming to the door
moved in such a way i could never imagine
I fought for the life thats inside of my soul
I fought day and night
fighting in the darkness I was never alone
tortured and broken may back on the ground
and eternity came flooding in, in the agony of beauty
in a rocky heart
in terrifying gentleness in a jagged soul
He poured in like a wind burning and shattering
something took ahold of me I cant control
theres something in his presence theres something in His power
ripping into time, i cant control whats inside
lifted up onto my feet I opened my eyes
to see the shattered peices of this dark reality come crashing around me

the cross, a faithful companion

We must never speak for ourselves to be faithful witness' (the greek word for witness is martyr). But to speak for God and all ourSELF to be offered up as sheep to the slaughter. Being found not in our own righetousness, defending ourself but instead seeking only the glory of God. Considering ourself of no reputation and worthy of nothing greater than to die for Jesus, sharing in His suffering, becoming like Him in His death on the cross as he said "forgive them Father they know not what they do." Like the chinese Christians when asked how they felt towards their persecution they joyously answered "Why should I be upset? This is the way of the cross." count it all joy when you fall into vaious trials. There is no place in following Jesus for discouragement. Through this light momentary affliction God is working an eternal weight of glory. So let us trust our spirit, soul and body to the care of the one who ordered the galaxies, thate HE will perfect what concerns us and all the sooner if we take our hands off. So to Him be the glory and the honor who in His grace has allowed us to be treasure chests carrying the life of Christ within us. Though they beat the and attack the vessel it only causes the life of Christ to pour out of us all the more.
So in my death I see life. He is an expert shepard who expertly drives His nails (Ecc12:11). A stone of stumbling and a rock of offense. Do not dispise the discipline of the Lord. Do not dispise the cross. In the cross, in the cross be my glory forever. It bekons you again. Why wait another day? Get on the cross, share it with Jesus and today you can be with Him in paradise. let me be found upon the cross when my saviour returns. And may my resistance to self, my resistance to self governance be unto the death and may it be as wheat falling to the ground. Every lost dream, every lost ambition, every forfeited pleasure of sin be a seed. let it be a sweet smelling aroma to God. True love is the giving up of your life for another.
May my shame be to your glory Jesus, as yours has been to mine. "You are my freinds because you have been with me in my trials." how deep the riches of the glory of the wisdom of God.

So I'll cherish the old rugged cross,
till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the old rugged cross,
and exchange it some day for a crown.

burning bridges

Im still digging through my purpose and digging through my past
trying to find the meaning inside my past
trying to find something like a railing in the mist
something to guide me back to all the love that I missed
was it inside me all this time
this yearning at last
its wonderful in its mystery its following me all the time
how much longer can I wait in a thursday night
Im listening for the starts when im walking in the light
drove down these roads so many times before what am I looking for?
like a little kid sitting in the lost and found
in a land before time where it all began
Im laying down all I was to see up higher
trying to understand the meaning of these scribbling words
like God just creeps in under every verb
I got pushed over the fence like a shooting star
now im crawling up hills just to hold your hand

the glory